What won't happen at Arsenal this week

By Avenell Dave

- Arsene Wenger will go out today and but three top quality players: a great goalkeeper, an assertive centre-back and a match winner (Rafael van der Vaart, anyone?)

- UEFA will come to their senses and realise that finding Eduardo guilty will set a precedent they simply cannot manage consistently and in no way punish the Crozilian

- Wayne Rooney will come out and admit he made the most of Manuel Almunia's challenge which led to the M*nure penalty and agree that it might not have been given

- Mike Dean will apologise for missing the blatant penalty Arsenal deserved when Fletcher scythed Arshavin and will announce his immediate resignation as a referee

- All Arsenal's internationals will have easy-going internationals and prepare to come back refreshed and fully fit

- Tomas Rosicky will come back into training and pledge that he will never ever be injured again. Ever

- Cesc Fabregas will end ALL speculation about his future by signing a new Arsenal deal taking him to 2017 and vowing he never wants to move back to Spain

- Sir RedNose F*rguson will respond to Wenger's recent comments by agreeing with his Gallic counterpart about M*nure's anti-football approach