By Avenell Dave
Welcome to England, Eduardo.
You will be replacing Thierry Henry as Arsenal's main goalscoring threat and after a few months of easing yourself in, you will prove yourself as one of the best strikers in the country.
I tell you what, after that, we'll make sure some typically refined English clogger of a defender tackles right through you with all the grace of a buffalo on acid, giving you an injury so bad even the TV cameras will switch off.
While you spend 18 months rehabilitating, wondering initially if you'll retain your foot, let alone be able to talk again, said opponent will continue to ply his trade without so much as a disrepute charge for his merciless assault.
When you come back to fitness, you'll be struck down by long-term-injury-itis, otherwise known as niggles brought on by your body adjusting to the rigours of top flight football once again.
People will question if you have the strength or the ability to make it back to regular first team football.
In your first proper game back, you will score a typical 'fox in the box' poacher's goal on the rebound but no one will even notice it.
It will be up to your manager to remind the world that when fit and able, you will play an integral part in the potential success of Arsenal in the season to come, proving what a talent you can be on the biggest stage.
But that won't be enough.
You'll win a penalty in your second home appearance of the season, falling under the challenge of a reckless goalkeeper.
There may or may not have been sufficient contact to deserve a penalty.
Maybe you deserved a yellow card for 'simulation'.
Maybe you were clattered just enough to warrant a fall.
This is professional football after all.
Maybe sub-consciously, you tumbled in fear, avoiding another devastating injury.
Certainly the goalkeeper was near you - not five yards away as with other, less celebrated/criticised dives by players every week.
You will provoke the outrage of UEFA President Michel Platini, SFA Tw*t Gordon Smith (who nobody ever listens to at the best of times) and muppet fans and pundits around the world who chuckle when their own players fall UNDER A CHALLENGE but start spouting sanctimonious twaddle when it's some fairly unknown foreigner from the fancy dans from N5.
Your name is not Michael Owen. Your name is not C. R*naldo. Your name is not Steven Gerrard. Your name is not Fat Frank.
Therefore, you must be banned from football.
You must suffer, Eduardo.
You must never dare play Champions League football again.
Every challenge you ever fall under, every tackle that scythes you down, every goal you ever score will now be questioned.
There will be no celebration, no admiration, no respect coming your way.
You deserve all you get.
Shame on you Eduardo.*
* For those of you out there who don't get the irony....Remember Eduardo, us Gooners love you and will defend you to the end...let those who slate you, going SO over the top with their high-horsed indignation do one pronto!)